My First Month in Austin –Making the Dream a Reality

Fair warning: This post is merely an update on my life. There’s nothing really witty or interesting about it beyond that. If you want to know what I’m up to, have at it. This is just for everyone who’s curious.

Is it really already 2010? Seriously? You’re shitting me, right? Honestly? Nah, you’re just joshin’. Seriously, this isn’t funny anymore. Fucking stop it, dude. I don’t believe you. You’re a filthy liar. Liars go to hell. Alright, well, I guess you’re going to hell then. It might come to blows if you keep this up. You have one last chance, mi amigo. Just admit the truth.

Okay, I believe you.

As most of you know, my life has been pretty crazy right now. I almost had a feature length film off the ground (it has been postponed), I moved to Austin, TX, and I’m currently trying to find something to pay the bills with as film and TV projects roll in and out of town. I’ve done a promotions gig and got the chance to work on the new PREDATOR movie (called PREDATORS) for a day. It was pretty boss.

The coolest part of the PREDATORS experience though had to be going to the wrap party and standing inches away from Robert Rodriguez. I could smell his musk. Sent shivers down my spine. On top of that, I got free bowling and free Woodchuck. That shit’s good, yo.

Everything else has been dandy. I’ve been frequenting the Alamo Drafthouse which is the coolest movie theater I’ve ever been to in my life. They serve food as you watch your film and they show these awesome retro previews and commercials that usually go along with what movie you’re there to watch. On top of that, they get these amazing films like A TOWN CALLED PANIC, BAD LIEUTENANT: PORT OF CALL: NEW ORLEANS, and all the indie offerings mixed with the big Hollywood pictures. I couldn’t imagine myself watching a movie anywhere else now that I’ve been there. It’s beautiful, really.

This city is just so fuckin’ cool. I really love it here. I don’t know what it is, but I just get an overwhelming feeling of happiness when I’m driving around the city and just see the people living their lives in this wonderful place. I’m hoping that doors will be opening soon and that this move won’t be in vein, but I’m sure I’ll be figuring all of that out soon.

As for my upcoming projects, this is what my slate is looking like (vague details for some seeing how I don’t know what I should or shouldn’t reveal here):

1. A rotoscoped web series pilot that Nathan Bayless and I came up with. It’s called FOX AND BEAR and is essentially two animals talking about everyday problems and giving philosophical tangents. We’re going to make the first episode and see where we’ll go from there.

2. I had a good phone call last Monday about a full length script I have. Hoping it lea

ds to something great.

3. I wrote a short story for a contest a couple of weeks ago. I actually think it turned out pretty well. I’ll post the story once the contest is over because I don’t exactly know the rules on that.

4. I got an idea for a short and full length script. The short is about a now grown man having to confront his high school bully by mere coincidence and how he deals with it. The full length is about a guy who moves to a new city and decides to become a drug dealer to pay the bills. I’ve got some funny situations in mind to put in it and when I get some time to focus on it I plan to write them all down.

5. I just applied for an internship for this awesome movie website located here in Austin. It’s unpaid, but I really hope I get it. I would really love the opportunity to work for a site like that. It would totally be worth it.

As this next week starts and I apply for gigs varying from more promotions, substitute teaching, and whatever else is out there, I look to the future with optimism. This year has already started with a hell of a bang and if certain things that have been happening are any indication, this is going to be a great year.

Blog Poll

Hello all.

This blog is merely to get an opinion from readers. I'll ask a question and you give me your thoughts in the comments.

Got it?

Good.

Here we go.

Question:

When a rapper samples another song in their work, do you believe that this is merely showing respect to the original song and artist or pure laziness where the rapper doesn't have to come up with their own hook?

I heard a couple new rap joints that sampled Jason Mraz's "I'm Your's" and Imogen Heap's "Hide and Seek" on the way back from Texas yesterday. I didn't know what to think and before I go any further possibly influencing someone's answer, I will stop there.

My Morning Adventure

I am sitting here with an hour to spare before I head out to Terre Haute to see my pal Dusty and I thought I'd share a story which happened to me this morning.

I have titled it the "The Naked Poop in Butt Crime Fighter."

Also, I'm officially eleven years old.

You ready?

Here we go.

On mornings when I take showers (seeing as I usually take showers at night), I have a routine to which I follow most of the time. First thing I always do is drop the morning deuce and seeing as I'm going to be hopping in the shower after I'm done, I usually do it naked.

I won't go into details on this morning's B.M. (everything seemed healthy though for those who might worry), but as I was finishing up, a burst of wind blew underneath the bathroom door. I didn't know what could have caused it besides our door being open. On top of that, I hear our alarm beeping as if someone has opened said door. I wait to hear for Ami turning it off because she had already been back home once this morning and I thought she had forgotten something else.

I never hear her turn it off.

So, I start freaking out. I immediately turn off the fan in the bathroom and listen. The front door is definitely wide open and I think someone is in the house. On top of that, I'm afraid the cats have run out. So, without thinking, I rush out of the bathroom to confront the problem.

I see the door wide open, Sienna (our bigger cat) staring at the open door, and our alarm squealing like crazy. I turn off the alarm, shut the door, and turn to face the apartment. "Is anyone in here?" I yell with my unwiped ass and bare balls swinging between my legs.

Now, I want you to think about that for a moment. Think about that image. If you were a robber and you broke into someones apartment only to find a panicked and chubby naked man who didn't even think to wipe his ass before he confronted you, what would you think? If I was that burglar, I would be afraid that this man somehow broke free from some sort of constraints and was going to rape me. I'm sure I looked fucking crazy seeing how panicked I was and that my dong was swinging free for all to see. Maybe that's what I'll always do if I hear someone breaking in? Maybe it's a great deterrent?

What was going through my head at the time? I don't know. I just knew I was afraid of losing one of our cats or, even worse, my HD television. So, I was going to fucking fight the fuckers who broke in Nikolai from EASTERN PROMISES style. Though, it would have probably looked less cool and would have ended with me threatening to wipe poo on them.

Luckily, no one had broken in. The door just wasn't latched well enough and the strong winds we've been having today blew it open. Everything and everyone was safe and sound.

Then I began to think to myself, "Wait...I only saw one cat at the door. Did Zora run out?! I don't see her anywhere!"

I decided it would be best to clean myself up and put on some clothes before I might have to run outside to retrieve a runaway cat. I go to the bathroom, wipe up, put on a robe, and look around the house one last time. Luckily for me, she was scared into hiding under our bed. I don't know if it was the fact that the wind had blew open our door, the alarm was squealing real loud, or if she had seen me naked and wanted to get away from the sight. Whatever it may be, she was safe in the apartment.

Thus, I threw off my robe, shook my genitals about, and did some lunges before jumping in the shower.

The Naked Poop in Butt Crime Fighter had stopped the evildoers once again!

Fin.

Ronald Short's Top Ten Movies of the Summer of 2009!

Has it really been over five months since I've written on my blog? That's irritating! I wanted this to be a regularly updated source of writings, ramblings, spectacles, and so much more from the mind of the funniest person I know! It has become, however, a sparse wasteland with merely a few musings and scraps for you all to survive on.

Until NOW!

I present to you my top 10 favorite movies from this past summer. Let's jump right into it.


10. UP



Pixar, Pixar, PIXAR! How?! How the hell do you keep doing this, friend? You make movie after movie, putting so much heart and soul into everything you do, and you continue to blow me away every time. THE INCREDIBLES is still my favorite of their library, but UP is certainly up (PUN!) there for me. I think this film made me cry more than STEEL MAGNOLIAS. And seeing that I've never actually watched STEEL MAGNOLIAS, UP has the upper (PUN!) hand. I don't know where I'm going with this, but this is a beautiful film that's up (PUN!) there with some of the best animated films around.

9. MOON



This is the first of three phenomenal science fiction films on the list which shows it couldn't have been a better summer for nerds. Sure, TERMINATOR SALVATION dropped the ball big time, but this film, along with the other two, quickly pick the ball back up to go in for a slam dunk. Sam Rockwell is amazing, truly displaying his chops in this, essentially, one man show. David Bowie's seed, Duncan Jones, did a hell of a job with his direction and I can't wait to see what he does next. This is a hell of a wink and a nod to sci-fi greats like Kubrick's 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY that doesn't rip off, only pays homage while being a great addition to the genre.

8. THE HURT LOCKER



The director of my favorite vampire flick of all time NEAR DARK (SUCK IT TWILIGHT!), Kathryn Bigelow, makes one of my absolute favorite war set films of all time. It's so gritty, realistic, and just damn good. God is it good! I can't get over it. One of the main reasons it's so good is the lead, Jeremy Renner. That guy makes this movie his bitch. This is a hell of a role that needed someone not intimidated by the challenge of it. Renner took on the challenge and went above and beyond. It looks like indie films are taking over the summer and I couldn't be happier about it.

7. AWAY WE GO



When I made a top ten list of my favorite directors a while ago, Sam Mendes was, I believe, number 7 or 8. This man consistently creates movies that make it onto my top ten lists every year they're released. AWAY WE GO is an observation on the idea of where one lives will shape how happy a family can be. I loved seeing the different couples and how vastly different each and everyone was. I also adored John Krasinski and Maya Rudolph as Burt and Verona. They worked perfectly together.

6. DRAG ME TO HELL



To begin, I'm going to quote my review for this film from Facebook: "First and foremost, apology accepted, Sam. You've certainly made up for the mess that was Spider-Man 3." This film certainly did just that. Sam Raimi returns to his horror roots and he is clearly having fun doing it. This is a fun romp in the genre of horror comedy that deserves your time and money!

5. STAR TREK



Speaking of science fiction, who would have expected such a fantastic reboot of one of the originators? I was never a Trekker, I was always more of a STAR WARS guy, but holy hell is this movie awesome! Abrams picks the perfect cast to bring the best preexisting franchise blockbuster of the summer to life! Fox and Warner Bros. should have taken his lead when it came to their blockbusters!

4. THE HANGOVER



The director of one of the most overrated comedies of all time (OLD SCHOOL) makes one of the best comedies of all time! Nice rebound, Todd Phillips (especially after SCHOOL FOR SCOUNDRELS)! Every mother fucker in this movie is hilarious! The leads are pure solid gold, the writing is tight and never misses a beat, and there isn't a laugh free spot to be seen. The only flaw I see is that Zach Galifinakis is no longer my little secret. Oh well.

3. DISTRICT 9



I had no idea what to expect from this movie. The previews were different and interesting, but gave no insight on how this would turn out. This is one of the first times this has happened to me. Usually, I read so much news and see so many trailers and TV spots that I've pretty much guessed what happens. This was a total surprise and the most original science fiction film I've seen in a very, very, very long time. It's not afraid to be different. It's funny, scary, and thrilling. I applaud Peter Jackson for helping Neill Blomkamp bring this vision to life.

2. (500) DAYS OF SUMMER

I was almost positive this movie was going to be number one on my list. It's pretty much flawless in my eyes. A wholly original love story with two of my favorite young actors working today in the leads. This movie doesn't feed you bullshit about love. It doesn't hold your hand. It straight up tells you this shit happens. Suck it up and move on. It's a gorgeous piece of art that I can't wait to watch again.

1. INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS



Speaking of art, holy shit! This is a very intricate, very precise, very beautiful piece of work from the cinema master, Quentin Tarantino. I feel like I've gushed over this film a lot recently, so I'll keep it short. Christoph Waltz is one of the best villains in the history of film, bringing a tour de force of a performance unmatched by anyone else in the picture. Brad Pitt comes close with his over the top Aldo Raine, providing my favorite character he has ever done. Every moment is very, very tense, punctuated by beautifully choreographed violence, and will have you on the edge of your seat. The climax including the movie theater, the remaining Basterds, the Jew Hunter, and the breathtaking Shosanna Dreyfus and her horrifying homemade movie is the best ending to any film all summer. This is QT's best direction and some of his strongest writing. These reasons all add up to the best movie of the summer.

Hope you enjoyed my list! I plan to try and post more often, but no promises.

Target and Their TV of Suck

Gather round, children. Let Uncle Ronald tell you a story.

Once upon a time there was a man and a woman who were very much in love. Their names were Donald and Jamie. Donald and Jaime had been in love for well over five years and were finally going to bound themselves to each other through the ritual of marriage.

Vows were said, drinks were a plenty, and dancing was had. It was a very joyous occasion.

After several days had passed and the couple had time to total their intake of monetary gifts, it was finally time for Donald to fulfill a desire he had wanted for a very long time. This was, of course, his desire for a flat screen LCD television. Jaime had agreed to putting wedding money towards this purchase years prior and Donald was sure to hold her to it. So, a shopping they did go.

Donald had been keeping his eye out for weeks trying to find the best deals even before he officially said his vows of devotion to his bride. There were plenty of beautiful pieces of work, but most were out of his price range. That is until he came across a place that seemed to have exactly what he was looking for. This place is known by many names. Market of Deception is one. We'll Back Stab You For $800 is another. Though the name most people know it by is Super Target.

Super Target lured Donald and Jaime in with their bright lights and red coloring schemes. "This place is beautiful," Jaime whispered to Donald as they entered the doors. And she was right. It was a consumerist's dream. That's when something caught Donald's eye. He rushed through the electronics to a big back wall covered in televisions. Donald had a tough time keeping his saliva in his mouth as he gazed at all the moving pictures. Then, he saw it.

"42" Magnavox LCD TV with 1080p resolution and 5.1 surround sound for only $799.99" the sign read. It was love at first sight for both Donald and Jaime, Donald drooling over the TV and Jaime drooling over the price. It seemed like a match made in Heaven.

They asked about it, the employee brought it up from the back (the last one in stock, no less), and they made the purchase along with a three year warranty. Off they went into their future as husband and wife who had a really awesome television.

Or so they thought.

That night, after hooking it all up, Donald decided to start his purchase off right by watching a film known as The Dark Knight in his Playstation 3. The film started off beautifully, all the colors popping and the picture looking glorious. That is until Donald noticed something. The television's screen would darken and brighten depending on the lighting in the scene of the film. Donald, being the cautious person he is, decided to check out other films, television shows, and video games to make sure that it just wasn't the Blu Ray disc The Dark Knight was on. He also decided to get the opinion of Jaime and others to make sure it wasn't just his eyes playing tricks on him. Sure enough, he was right and Donald wanted to return the television as soon as possible.

Super Target had other plans.

"That was the last one we had in stock," said the employee on the phone after Donald inquired if an exchange could be made. "And all the stores in Indianapolis are completely out." Donald requested he speak with a manager and after some arguing, the manager told him the only thing they could do is either give him and Jaime a refund or he could wait a while longer (seeing they had ninety days to return it) to see if a television comes in stock to make the trade off. "Just call every Monday and Thursday. That's when our stock is replenished," said the manager.

Time passes, with Donald calling Super Target constantly hoping to get the TV he's been longing for. It's not until a month and a half passes and a chance visit to Super Target that he would finally get the opportunity. The Super Target was still out, but another Target (minus the "Super," but still considered a Market of Deception) across town had one in stock. Donald hopped on his steed, rushed to his apartment, packed up the P.O.S. television, dragged it down the stairs of his apartment complex, threw it on his steed, and rushed to Target.

As he entered the less attractive Target, he began to noticed all of the employees just standing about completely ignoring their duties. He asked for help to get the television off of his steed and instead of one of the standing employees helping him, they just called another from the back to lend him a hand. After a long and arduous battle, Donald emerged victorious and was on his way home with television in tow.

Donald giggled like a school girl as he hooked up the new set. "This is it! This is the one," Ronald whispered to himself. Everything was hooked up and ready to go. Donald and Jaime prepared themselves for the ride of a life time.

...only to find that not only does this television have the same problem, but also has a corner that's just bright all of the time.

Donald was furious. His blood boiled for hours as he decided what to do. He paced and paced and, to his surpise, Jaime suggested the perfect plan. Defeat the evil known as Super Target, toss the television in its dying mouth, and burn its carcus until there was nothing left. Donald loved the plan and the next day, they packed up the TV and headed off. They knew that they must kill the bigger of the Target stores, so instead of returning it to the Target where it was excahnged for, they took it right back to THE Super Target. Kill the head and the body will follow, that's what Donald always said.

Unfortunately, Donald and Jaime's good nature took over and they just returned the TV to the nice guest service representative for a full refund, though some of the money had to be placed on a gift card seeing that that's how part of the purchase was made.

Donald and Jaime took the money they had over to Best Buy, a store worshipped by many, that had a 40" Samsung with 1080p on sale for the same price as the Magnavox.

Needless to say, Donald and Jaime are finally content as Donald watches The Fountain on a beautiful piece of technology and Jaime sleeps deeply. She has class in the morning.

In short, FUCK TARGET AND THEIR FUCKING SHITTY ASS TVS! ON TOP OF THAT, FUCK MAGNAVOX AND THEIR FUCKING SHITTY ASS TVS!

THE FUCKING END!

I'm Not Sure Where This One Is Going...

I haven't blogged in a while. I need to blog. Thus, I'm blogging.

I am currently knee deep in putting together a business plan in order to get a budget for my new feature length production. The screenplay is complete for now, we've talked to a storyboard artist, we've talked to a composer, and now we're breaking down the screenplay for both budget and scheduling purposes. Hell, we've even called Kristen Bell's agent to try and get a script to her (we got an e-mail to send more details. We'll see how it goes.). I'm getting really excited for this.

What else is going on?

When I haven't been busy with film stuff, I've been trying to work through the DVDs in my collection that I have yet to view. These films are either ones I've seen and bought and never watched or ones I haven't seen at all and planned on watching. I need to knock these out, damn it! In fact, I should be finishing a film right now, but instead I'm blogging. What a jack ass.

I also bought some games recently with my tax return. I've been playing the hell out of Resident Evil 5 and Dead Space, both of which are freaking fun and addictive. I just wish I had more time to play them.

I think the only thing Late Night with Jimmy Fallon has going for it is having The Roots as the house band. How long will that last?

I'll finish this post with a list of movies I've seen, liked, and think you should see, too.

-Adventureland
-Martyrs
-Sunshine Cleaning
-The Last House of the Left remake (it's actually quality!)
-I Love You, Man

That is all.

Feedback. I Needs It.

Hello all.

I've recently been trying to decide what my next screenplay should be. I always have several ideas running through my head and it helps when I know what ideas people like.

This is an idea I've had for a couple months and enjoy it highly, but only recently have been able to make it make sense, if that makes sense. I've been able to develop it more and now can see it working as a full length movie. Enough jibber jabber, here's a rough pitch:

A slacker accidentally locks himself in a fallout shelter and survives a nuclear holocaust. After a small amount of time, he is released, is under the belief that he is the last living person, and tries to rebuild society with the help of a misunderstood zombie. After hearing a cry for help over a radio from a group of survivors, one of which being a girl he had a crush on pre-holocaust, the slacker decides to travel cross country and find them. Hopefully, he'll get there before her newly mutated boyfriend, who is extremely jealous and hungry for human flesh.

It's a post-apocalyptic road trip movie with laughs, drama, horror, love, Thunder Domes, and copyright infringements.

The title:

Apocalypse Yesterday

I imagine it as a mixture of movies like Mad Max and the films of Judd Apatow. You never see these type of "end of the world" sci fi movies from the point of view of someone with a sense of humor...or is more pathetic and easy to laugh at.

So, what are your thoughts? Is it funny? What do you like/dislike? Do you think this premise would be a good next script? Oh, and how long would one have to wait before they could reenter a recent nuclear explosion site?

I'm trying to write something that's more high concept, but at the same time is marketable and mainstream, especially seeing that I would like to return to Pitchfest this year.

Thoughts?