Target and Their TV of Suck

Gather round, children. Let Uncle Ronald tell you a story.

Once upon a time there was a man and a woman who were very much in love. Their names were Donald and Jamie. Donald and Jaime had been in love for well over five years and were finally going to bound themselves to each other through the ritual of marriage.

Vows were said, drinks were a plenty, and dancing was had. It was a very joyous occasion.

After several days had passed and the couple had time to total their intake of monetary gifts, it was finally time for Donald to fulfill a desire he had wanted for a very long time. This was, of course, his desire for a flat screen LCD television. Jaime had agreed to putting wedding money towards this purchase years prior and Donald was sure to hold her to it. So, a shopping they did go.

Donald had been keeping his eye out for weeks trying to find the best deals even before he officially said his vows of devotion to his bride. There were plenty of beautiful pieces of work, but most were out of his price range. That is until he came across a place that seemed to have exactly what he was looking for. This place is known by many names. Market of Deception is one. We'll Back Stab You For $800 is another. Though the name most people know it by is Super Target.

Super Target lured Donald and Jaime in with their bright lights and red coloring schemes. "This place is beautiful," Jaime whispered to Donald as they entered the doors. And she was right. It was a consumerist's dream. That's when something caught Donald's eye. He rushed through the electronics to a big back wall covered in televisions. Donald had a tough time keeping his saliva in his mouth as he gazed at all the moving pictures. Then, he saw it.

"42" Magnavox LCD TV with 1080p resolution and 5.1 surround sound for only $799.99" the sign read. It was love at first sight for both Donald and Jaime, Donald drooling over the TV and Jaime drooling over the price. It seemed like a match made in Heaven.

They asked about it, the employee brought it up from the back (the last one in stock, no less), and they made the purchase along with a three year warranty. Off they went into their future as husband and wife who had a really awesome television.

Or so they thought.

That night, after hooking it all up, Donald decided to start his purchase off right by watching a film known as The Dark Knight in his Playstation 3. The film started off beautifully, all the colors popping and the picture looking glorious. That is until Donald noticed something. The television's screen would darken and brighten depending on the lighting in the scene of the film. Donald, being the cautious person he is, decided to check out other films, television shows, and video games to make sure that it just wasn't the Blu Ray disc The Dark Knight was on. He also decided to get the opinion of Jaime and others to make sure it wasn't just his eyes playing tricks on him. Sure enough, he was right and Donald wanted to return the television as soon as possible.

Super Target had other plans.

"That was the last one we had in stock," said the employee on the phone after Donald inquired if an exchange could be made. "And all the stores in Indianapolis are completely out." Donald requested he speak with a manager and after some arguing, the manager told him the only thing they could do is either give him and Jaime a refund or he could wait a while longer (seeing they had ninety days to return it) to see if a television comes in stock to make the trade off. "Just call every Monday and Thursday. That's when our stock is replenished," said the manager.

Time passes, with Donald calling Super Target constantly hoping to get the TV he's been longing for. It's not until a month and a half passes and a chance visit to Super Target that he would finally get the opportunity. The Super Target was still out, but another Target (minus the "Super," but still considered a Market of Deception) across town had one in stock. Donald hopped on his steed, rushed to his apartment, packed up the P.O.S. television, dragged it down the stairs of his apartment complex, threw it on his steed, and rushed to Target.

As he entered the less attractive Target, he began to noticed all of the employees just standing about completely ignoring their duties. He asked for help to get the television off of his steed and instead of one of the standing employees helping him, they just called another from the back to lend him a hand. After a long and arduous battle, Donald emerged victorious and was on his way home with television in tow.

Donald giggled like a school girl as he hooked up the new set. "This is it! This is the one," Ronald whispered to himself. Everything was hooked up and ready to go. Donald and Jaime prepared themselves for the ride of a life time.

...only to find that not only does this television have the same problem, but also has a corner that's just bright all of the time.

Donald was furious. His blood boiled for hours as he decided what to do. He paced and paced and, to his surpise, Jaime suggested the perfect plan. Defeat the evil known as Super Target, toss the television in its dying mouth, and burn its carcus until there was nothing left. Donald loved the plan and the next day, they packed up the TV and headed off. They knew that they must kill the bigger of the Target stores, so instead of returning it to the Target where it was excahnged for, they took it right back to THE Super Target. Kill the head and the body will follow, that's what Donald always said.

Unfortunately, Donald and Jaime's good nature took over and they just returned the TV to the nice guest service representative for a full refund, though some of the money had to be placed on a gift card seeing that that's how part of the purchase was made.

Donald and Jaime took the money they had over to Best Buy, a store worshipped by many, that had a 40" Samsung with 1080p on sale for the same price as the Magnavox.

Needless to say, Donald and Jaime are finally content as Donald watches The Fountain on a beautiful piece of technology and Jaime sleeps deeply. She has class in the morning.

In short, FUCK TARGET AND THEIR FUCKING SHITTY ASS TVS! ON TOP OF THAT, FUCK MAGNAVOX AND THEIR FUCKING SHITTY ASS TVS!

THE FUCKING END!