My Morning Adventure

I am sitting here with an hour to spare before I head out to Terre Haute to see my pal Dusty and I thought I'd share a story which happened to me this morning.

I have titled it the "The Naked Poop in Butt Crime Fighter."

Also, I'm officially eleven years old.

You ready?

Here we go.

On mornings when I take showers (seeing as I usually take showers at night), I have a routine to which I follow most of the time. First thing I always do is drop the morning deuce and seeing as I'm going to be hopping in the shower after I'm done, I usually do it naked.

I won't go into details on this morning's B.M. (everything seemed healthy though for those who might worry), but as I was finishing up, a burst of wind blew underneath the bathroom door. I didn't know what could have caused it besides our door being open. On top of that, I hear our alarm beeping as if someone has opened said door. I wait to hear for Ami turning it off because she had already been back home once this morning and I thought she had forgotten something else.

I never hear her turn it off.

So, I start freaking out. I immediately turn off the fan in the bathroom and listen. The front door is definitely wide open and I think someone is in the house. On top of that, I'm afraid the cats have run out. So, without thinking, I rush out of the bathroom to confront the problem.

I see the door wide open, Sienna (our bigger cat) staring at the open door, and our alarm squealing like crazy. I turn off the alarm, shut the door, and turn to face the apartment. "Is anyone in here?" I yell with my unwiped ass and bare balls swinging between my legs.

Now, I want you to think about that for a moment. Think about that image. If you were a robber and you broke into someones apartment only to find a panicked and chubby naked man who didn't even think to wipe his ass before he confronted you, what would you think? If I was that burglar, I would be afraid that this man somehow broke free from some sort of constraints and was going to rape me. I'm sure I looked fucking crazy seeing how panicked I was and that my dong was swinging free for all to see. Maybe that's what I'll always do if I hear someone breaking in? Maybe it's a great deterrent?

What was going through my head at the time? I don't know. I just knew I was afraid of losing one of our cats or, even worse, my HD television. So, I was going to fucking fight the fuckers who broke in Nikolai from EASTERN PROMISES style. Though, it would have probably looked less cool and would have ended with me threatening to wipe poo on them.

Luckily, no one had broken in. The door just wasn't latched well enough and the strong winds we've been having today blew it open. Everything and everyone was safe and sound.

Then I began to think to myself, "Wait...I only saw one cat at the door. Did Zora run out?! I don't see her anywhere!"

I decided it would be best to clean myself up and put on some clothes before I might have to run outside to retrieve a runaway cat. I go to the bathroom, wipe up, put on a robe, and look around the house one last time. Luckily for me, she was scared into hiding under our bed. I don't know if it was the fact that the wind had blew open our door, the alarm was squealing real loud, or if she had seen me naked and wanted to get away from the sight. Whatever it may be, she was safe in the apartment.

Thus, I threw off my robe, shook my genitals about, and did some lunges before jumping in the shower.

The Naked Poop in Butt Crime Fighter had stopped the evildoers once again!

Fin.

Ronald Short's Top Ten Movies of the Summer of 2009!

Has it really been over five months since I've written on my blog? That's irritating! I wanted this to be a regularly updated source of writings, ramblings, spectacles, and so much more from the mind of the funniest person I know! It has become, however, a sparse wasteland with merely a few musings and scraps for you all to survive on.

Until NOW!

I present to you my top 10 favorite movies from this past summer. Let's jump right into it.


10. UP



Pixar, Pixar, PIXAR! How?! How the hell do you keep doing this, friend? You make movie after movie, putting so much heart and soul into everything you do, and you continue to blow me away every time. THE INCREDIBLES is still my favorite of their library, but UP is certainly up (PUN!) there for me. I think this film made me cry more than STEEL MAGNOLIAS. And seeing that I've never actually watched STEEL MAGNOLIAS, UP has the upper (PUN!) hand. I don't know where I'm going with this, but this is a beautiful film that's up (PUN!) there with some of the best animated films around.

9. MOON



This is the first of three phenomenal science fiction films on the list which shows it couldn't have been a better summer for nerds. Sure, TERMINATOR SALVATION dropped the ball big time, but this film, along with the other two, quickly pick the ball back up to go in for a slam dunk. Sam Rockwell is amazing, truly displaying his chops in this, essentially, one man show. David Bowie's seed, Duncan Jones, did a hell of a job with his direction and I can't wait to see what he does next. This is a hell of a wink and a nod to sci-fi greats like Kubrick's 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY that doesn't rip off, only pays homage while being a great addition to the genre.

8. THE HURT LOCKER



The director of my favorite vampire flick of all time NEAR DARK (SUCK IT TWILIGHT!), Kathryn Bigelow, makes one of my absolute favorite war set films of all time. It's so gritty, realistic, and just damn good. God is it good! I can't get over it. One of the main reasons it's so good is the lead, Jeremy Renner. That guy makes this movie his bitch. This is a hell of a role that needed someone not intimidated by the challenge of it. Renner took on the challenge and went above and beyond. It looks like indie films are taking over the summer and I couldn't be happier about it.

7. AWAY WE GO



When I made a top ten list of my favorite directors a while ago, Sam Mendes was, I believe, number 7 or 8. This man consistently creates movies that make it onto my top ten lists every year they're released. AWAY WE GO is an observation on the idea of where one lives will shape how happy a family can be. I loved seeing the different couples and how vastly different each and everyone was. I also adored John Krasinski and Maya Rudolph as Burt and Verona. They worked perfectly together.

6. DRAG ME TO HELL



To begin, I'm going to quote my review for this film from Facebook: "First and foremost, apology accepted, Sam. You've certainly made up for the mess that was Spider-Man 3." This film certainly did just that. Sam Raimi returns to his horror roots and he is clearly having fun doing it. This is a fun romp in the genre of horror comedy that deserves your time and money!

5. STAR TREK



Speaking of science fiction, who would have expected such a fantastic reboot of one of the originators? I was never a Trekker, I was always more of a STAR WARS guy, but holy hell is this movie awesome! Abrams picks the perfect cast to bring the best preexisting franchise blockbuster of the summer to life! Fox and Warner Bros. should have taken his lead when it came to their blockbusters!

4. THE HANGOVER



The director of one of the most overrated comedies of all time (OLD SCHOOL) makes one of the best comedies of all time! Nice rebound, Todd Phillips (especially after SCHOOL FOR SCOUNDRELS)! Every mother fucker in this movie is hilarious! The leads are pure solid gold, the writing is tight and never misses a beat, and there isn't a laugh free spot to be seen. The only flaw I see is that Zach Galifinakis is no longer my little secret. Oh well.

3. DISTRICT 9



I had no idea what to expect from this movie. The previews were different and interesting, but gave no insight on how this would turn out. This is one of the first times this has happened to me. Usually, I read so much news and see so many trailers and TV spots that I've pretty much guessed what happens. This was a total surprise and the most original science fiction film I've seen in a very, very, very long time. It's not afraid to be different. It's funny, scary, and thrilling. I applaud Peter Jackson for helping Neill Blomkamp bring this vision to life.

2. (500) DAYS OF SUMMER

I was almost positive this movie was going to be number one on my list. It's pretty much flawless in my eyes. A wholly original love story with two of my favorite young actors working today in the leads. This movie doesn't feed you bullshit about love. It doesn't hold your hand. It straight up tells you this shit happens. Suck it up and move on. It's a gorgeous piece of art that I can't wait to watch again.

1. INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS



Speaking of art, holy shit! This is a very intricate, very precise, very beautiful piece of work from the cinema master, Quentin Tarantino. I feel like I've gushed over this film a lot recently, so I'll keep it short. Christoph Waltz is one of the best villains in the history of film, bringing a tour de force of a performance unmatched by anyone else in the picture. Brad Pitt comes close with his over the top Aldo Raine, providing my favorite character he has ever done. Every moment is very, very tense, punctuated by beautifully choreographed violence, and will have you on the edge of your seat. The climax including the movie theater, the remaining Basterds, the Jew Hunter, and the breathtaking Shosanna Dreyfus and her horrifying homemade movie is the best ending to any film all summer. This is QT's best direction and some of his strongest writing. These reasons all add up to the best movie of the summer.

Hope you enjoyed my list! I plan to try and post more often, but no promises.